Quarantine Birthday Party

I want to preface my writing here with the acknowledgment that my circumstances and anxieties could be a lot worse. I talk a lot of the difficulties of actions and emotions brought on by COVID changes, and these are struggles leveled with my position in the world as an American right now. My intent is to share. I am incredibly fortunate for the position I have been in throughout this time period in comparison to others. I have lots of opinions about that too as you know or can assume. Nonetheless, I want to share openly about the things happening in my mind and life and that means applying perspective to my spot in life.

Mid December 2019, I sat in my therapists’ office and put together a reflection board of the year behind me and a composition of goals for the year ahead. 2019 was a year of facing fears, gaining independence, self identification, and full acceptance that no matter how hard I may try, I cannot and will never be a flawless person. Human capacity is limited for us all and I am no exception. With this newfound view of me and life in mind, 2020 was going to be the time to shine. In that session, I set up goals of defining my community, recommitting to my values, exploring interests, and continuing to focus on being more present. My therapist, Kellie, and I had a check point on these goals at the end of February and I was off to a really great start. I was feeling great about the months ahead. On that date, it looked like I would have another 4-5 months living on my own before David moved to Houston and I was making mental notes on how to best utilize that alone time. All the plans and ideas were sidelined when it became clear there was a global pandemic.

This included, Birthday celebrations too. At my core, I’m not a birthday enthusiast. So the idea of not being able to “go out” for my celebrations didn’t phase me much but not being able to spend it with the people I care about did. Coping with the feelings that going into ‘stay at home’ generated, reflective sensations that a birthday brings on every year, and being alone weighed on me. My birthday falls on the 19th of March and prior to the US slowly shutting down, the girls had plans to come to Houston the weekend of the 14th for the Houston Rodeo and a night of dinner and drinks to celebrate my introduction to being 26. That week, Wednesday March 12th, the Rodeo announced its immediate closure to mitigate the spread of corona-virus. An action that came far too late in my opinion. That same week my work went into work from home mode. I had coworkers out sick with fevers and coughs. All sports and major events were getting cancelled in the US. David and I decided to cancel his flight from Denver to Houston for my birthday. To me, and lots of others in America, it really felt like everything was falling apart that week.

I called the girls on Friday of that week to discuss the remapping of plans for the weekend given that the rodeo was cancelled and most things around us seemed to be shutting down. That night on the phone, I felt sick at the idea of having company. Genuinely queasy, and during our conversation it became pretty clear to me that we were having very different experiences with this subject over the last couple days. I left work early that day after debriefing my employees on our indefinite work from home situation and the mental stress to likely come from it. We talked seriously as a company about the impact this was going to have on our business and our people, both personally and professionally. I stayed an hour after dismissing my employees talking with my CEO, someone I consider a mentor and a friend, about the times up ahead. Him and I talk often about politics and the comings and goings in the news. We spent the early part of the year in back and forth about universal healthcare and presidential election news, sometime in early March it shifted to talk about COVID and our shared concerns. The Monday of that week we had gotten lunch at a Vietnamese place, new to both of us, and during that hour and a half lunch I noticed his new habits of several hand washes, no longer refusing a straw, and placing a napkin between any personal objects he brought and the table. All things I had been practicing for weeks (to a point that I was getting rashes on the back of my hands from such frequent scrubs) and was beginning to feel a little over anxious about given the responses, or lack of one, from other peers in my realm. His caution made me feel assured that I wasn’t just being anxious. This was real and things were changing.

That’s how the week before my birthday started and it ended with the cancellation of my partner’s visit out to Texas, coinciding with pretty much every other major event in the United States, and a new division within work. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to think about doing was celebrating a Birthday. I mustered the courage to tell the girls this and fully expected some push back because, given the circumstances of it being my birthday, I knew my desires would dictate the agenda. I wasn’t interested in having the same amount of “fun” they signed up for a month earlier, which meant that less fun would be had. Our original plans were for a 6 person dinner at a restaurant followed by a couple hours at a wine bar and various bar hops from there. I cancelled all our reservations and asked for a smaller dinner someones family house in Spring. When I called them with this one of them responded with “Okay…. so you don’t want to do anything because of… Coronavirus? Like you’re scared you’re going to get it?”. I know the question was intended to understand where I was coming from but it made me feel exaggerative and burdened. It wasn’t because I was worried about getting it but I was worried about spreading it. More than that though, it was the sudden personal and social shifts happening so suddenly that made the idea of a fun social outing just seem impossible. My brain was racing with giant questions about what my job was going to look like in a month? How impacted would my long distance relationship be? Would my family would be okay? My coworkers, some of whom had been out sick days prior with minor fevers and coughs? My mind envisioned the US medical system becoming overrun like Italy’s, I expected lock-downs to start happening, I wondered if they would close state borders and how many people would lose their jobs. The world felt heavy and yet, there I was on the phone with a friend feeling guilty for not wanting to get a beer. I stood my ground that this wouldn’t be their usual visit from Austin to Houston where we spend the whole day around town but compromised for a lunch on a patio and dinner at one of their mom’s houses. They were supportive and excited but I still felt concern that I was letting them down.

The girls arrived on Saturday and used their key to my place to get in, immediately lighting things up. It’s always a joyous occasion when we are all together. We got our lunch, and ran into the restaurant owner while there. I met him through my boss and he chatted with us briefly. During lunch, I started to feel self conscious in the shift in plans I imposed. It was a beautiful sunny day, the patio was great, our food and drinks were good and the place we dinned was taking every thing incredibly seriously. I, again, wondered if things were changing as rapidly as I felt they were and if anyone around me even shared the sentiment. However, the emptiness of the restaurant for such a lovely Saturday told me I wasn’t wrong, and what the owner shared furthered that affirmation. He said he was already feeling an impact from the COVID shifts that early on. Told us about reducing staff and managing insurance and healthcare for those he still had, and all the other nightmarish duties that seem to falling on small business owners right now. He was stressed. He was sad. I know he had to let people go that he really cares about. This seemed to be a bit eye opening for some of the girls. To be clear, there was never a disbelief from them in the potential severity of the virus but it became obvious that we were living in two cities that culturally were reacting very differently. After that chat with the owner, we talked about the different vibes we noticed in handling in Austin vs. Houston. Outside of SXSW getting cancelled, things didn’t seem all that different. It made me feel more confident that my friends weren’t seeing me as a worry wart or a damper to their weekend. We had a great lunch, enjoyed the sun, and washed our hands.

In the evening we went to Spring for dinner at Taylor Levy’s house. It’s become a nostalgic place for us after many summers spent there, indulging on her mother’s seemingly bottomless cabinet of snacks and warm welcome. Right when I walked in, I was met with a feeling of relief as I realized that was exactly what I wanted to be doing even if there wasn’t a frightening pandemic going on. Coming into the weekend, I was nervous about letting people down when celebrating me. That I wouldn’t be a decent host or they wouldn’t have good enough of a time doing the things I enjoy. This is a sensation that follows me every year on my birthday and has since I was little. I generally don’t like the “fuss” and the pressure that can come along the event. Within this instance, celebrating a birthday in a pandemic, these yearly nerves were heightened by the overall anxiety and guilt I was dealing with. Worry about letting my friends down and about what was around the corner for us as a whole. Once I stepped inside the house the weight of worry eased. I reminded myself that in a global emergency, I have no control. I can only do my small part in the grand scheme of things. I only ever have control over my actions and expectations. Pulling away from the weight of the world I was reminded about the general pressure I put on myself to do more for others. It made me realize that the pressure I get from celebratory events isn’t applied from those around me, it’s something I put on my because of concern for those around me. It’s not real. It’s made up. Walking into a room full of people I love brought all of that to me and washed away a weekend’s worries.

These girls do a lot to remind me I’m loved. They have for years and this one was no different. They surprised me with an ice cream cake, which broke the kitchen knife we tried to cut it with. We sang, lamented over the world, reminisced, and talked about how excited we still are for the future. I felt special and I let myself feel it fully.

The next day I woke up so glad that I gained much needed time with my friends but still nervous about the pandemic and its hurdles for my relationship. I had a long face-time session with David Sunday morning sorting out the various ways the next couple weeks and months could go. I was queued up to start my work remote from Denver in a couple weeks and we were pretty sure it was going to be cancelled just like David’s flight out. We had created a really great picture for what the period leading up to our move-in together in July would look like, and it was entirely erased.

We spent the morning trying to remap the upcoming months with lots of unknown variables. Could we go on a mandatory stay in place? Do you think they will shut state lines down? Will your health insurance work here? Which city is the better option? After running through all the potentials and painting the best picture- we decided to run it past some folks who we always turn to in a need of advice. For me that was my parents. I dialed my mom and immediately laid things out, following it up with “is this crazy?”. David and I discussed him driving down to Houston from Denver sometime in the next 1-2 weeks and staying indefinitely through things- knowing that could potentially be moving up our timeline by 4-5 months. She assured me we weren’t crazy or acting brash just because we missed each other. This made sense for all the reasons we thought it would; both of our immediate families being located in Texas, my house being the two of us vs. his house full of roommates, my work situation and his freelancing, and most importantly our desire to be together through a large unknown. Her and my dad helped me figure out some answers about health insurance stuff. I was very concerned David would get down here, have a medical need, and run into a tough situation. A positive out of COVID was some new flexibility with insurance companies and their coverage circumstances. The plan was mom approved. David took it up with his jury and called me Monday night, “I think I’m going to pack up tomorrow and drive down Wednesday morning”. I was ecstatic, anxious, and so nervous.

David acted quickly, packed as much as he could into his Mazda 3, threw his bike on the back and started his drive at 6 am on Wednesday. This goes without saying, but it means a lot that he did this. Today, I can’t fathom what going through these last 2 months would have been like if we hadn’t been together. Getting to the same place, and that place being Houston, meant he carried a brunt of the weight in making it happen; packing his things quickly and much earlier than expected, accepting that there were people and things he wouldn’t have access to for a questionable amount of time, and undertaking that drive alone. It was a lot to do, and I didn’t have to ask for it. He didn’t do it for me and that’s why it felt big. It wasn’t a sacrifice being made for my sake or for the sake of “us”. It was a decision we came to together after putting both of our personal desires on the line. I truly admire his ability to identify his needs/wants and put things into action quickly.

Thursday morning was my 26th birthday. I uncovered a pack of “Happy Birthday” hats (one of the many party city remnants from my Dad’s job that has made it’s way into my storage) and wore it like a crown to my virtual work meetings. I was wrapping up my second meeting for the day when there was a knock on my door, about 3 hours earlier than initially expected. David made great time to Texas. Safely too. This man never speeds. He came bearing gifts from my favorite doughnut shop (and the one I worked at) in College Station, Babes. I hadn’t seen him in about 6/7 weeks and him with donuts in hand couldn’t have made it any sweeter. I received lovely cards and gifts in the mail from my grandparents, David’s parents and grandparents and a long skype with my parents. David took a well deserved nap, we moved things into the house and he made an incredible shallot pasta (Allison Roman’s recipe here- you seriously have to try it. We now make jars of it and put it on everything). He fell asleep on the couch at 9pm and I soaked up the bliss of having weirdly having one of my best birthday’s amidst the pandemic I’d been so worried about.

The worry didn’t go away. It’s still there. But, the experience on my birthday made me realize that this time period will not be exclusively bleak. This time of reducing our social activity, staying inside, and focusing on our own needs first is going to produce a lot of brightness too. It was a good heads up about the mix array of emotions coming my way through this; grief, guilt, relief, appreciation, and utter joy. I resisted so hard capping off with this, but if I’m being true to my roots… Dumbledore really said it best, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”.